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September 19, 2013 / According To Drew

The First Wookie Gives Life Changing Advice….


Last week, Michelle Obama went to some boring town in Wisconsin to campaign for something that is “the single best thing Americans can do to improve their health.”

What is it, you may ask? Eat M&Ms while laying on the couch in your sweatpants and watching every season of Parks and Rec on Netflix? Vote Republican?

No. She says Americans should drink water.

Drink water!!!!!!!!!!

Is this real life? Our First Lady travels around the United States on the taxpayers’ dime prattling on with advice that a toddler could give, and we’re supposed to applaud her health insights and then rave about her arms?

Can we please get realz? It’s WATER. We know, we know. Eighty percent of our bodies are made of it, drink eight glasses a day, blah blah blah.

No wonder she doesn’t have anything better than WATER to talk about, if that’s all she’s drinking with her afternoon snack of kale chips and cruelty-free hummus. I bet she WISHES she could pound Cool Ranch Doritos and Diet Coke all day so that she had a little more vitality to talk about more important things, like oh my gosh working out!

Make sure you go to the store tomorrow and buy the biggest pack of bottled water you can find, because gosh darn it, Michelle Obama told you to! I guess the water from the faucet works too, but remember, the plastic-ier, the better!


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